Vibing: Defined

Thu, 25/08/2011

A lot of people talk about “vibing” in a conversation, but I’ve never really heard it defined specifically. So here goes. I’m going to give you my best definition of “vibing.”

Vibing is a process where you listen to the other person, try to figure out what that person is trying to achieve by saying what they are saying, and then facilitate the process so the other person feels like he/she is accomplishing the goal.

Let me break that down further:

1- Listen to the other person
That means STOP thinking about what you’re going to say next. If you’re thinking about what to say next, you are not listening.

Listen to every word, and create mental pictures of what the other person is talking about. Imagine the feelings he/she is going through, or went through in the past.

Don’t cut them off, just let them talk as long as they want, to get out all the information they want to get out.

2-Try to figure out what that person is trying to achieve by saying what they are saying.

There’s really only a few things people are trying to do when they talk.
a) They are trying to be cool.
b) They are trying to impart information
c) They are going on an emotional journey as part of building their own state or doing emotional housekeeping.
d)They are trying to persuade you about something.

There’s a few more, but lets take just those examples for now.

3- Facilitate the process, so the other person feels like they are achieving the goal.

Everyone likes to succeed. Everyone wants to feel good. The way to make the other person feel good is to make them feel like they are succeeding in their attempts to communicate. “Vibing” is the process of two people talking to each other and making each other feel good.

When you encounter another person, and the two of you are both communicating and feeling good, that’s the exact the definition of “vibing.” The two of you are having a “good vibe.”

So let’s go over those goals again, and talk about how to make the other person feel like they are succeeding.

a) If the other person is trying to be cool:
In most cases, the best way to handle this is to indicate to the other person that you do indeed think they are cool. You do actually believe that what they are saying is cool. The whole trick to this is that you can’t fake it, you really have to mean it. You have to be a very open minded and enthusiastic person, who sees a lot of value in everything around you.

So stuff like “Hey, that’s freaking cool” is great, as long as you really mean it.

NOTE: When dealing with women who you are flirting with, this is not always the best move. It becomes more complex.

If she’s trying to be cool in order to put you down or prove she is better than you, it’s not a good time to be “vibing.” It might be a good time to be unreactive. A good way to be unreactive is to listen to her, and then flatly reply “OK” as if you’re waiting for the rest.

For example-

GIRL: I am good friends with Keanu Reeves. This one time we were partying with David Beckham, and Keanu got on his knees and told me how gorgeous I was.

YOU: OK. (silence)

Conversely, there are cases where the girl is trying to show how cool she is because she already thinks you are cool, and she is trying to show you that she can keep up.

This is the time to use “vibing”and indicate to her that you are somewhat impressed, and you think she’s cool. When she realizes she can keep up with you, this tells her it’s a good match and she gets excited.

b) The other person is trying to impart information.

If the other person is trying to impart information, the process of vibing is very simple. Just phrase back the information to that person. This shows them that you understand, and that they have successfully transmitted the information.

For example-

GIRL: Hey we are thinking about going to BOA this weekend. It’s a restaurant on Sunset Blvd. I think they have steaks or seafood or something. I haven’t been there yet, but I’ve heard good things.

YOU: Oh really? BOA on Sunset? Yes, I’ve heard of that place.

c) The person is going on an emotional journey in order to build their state or do emotional housekeeping.

The idea here, if you’re looking to just vibe with the person, is to empathize and encourage them to keep talking. If you can get the other person to keep talking, you are communicating that you are a person they can be comfortable around and you are a person who understands them.

Phasing back parts of the story can be helpful to let the person know you are listening. Nodding your head helps, and showing expressiveness on your face occasionally.

d) The other person is trying to persuade you about something.

This one can be a little tricky.

Sometimes someone will try to convince you and you will agree. You will be persuaded. But other times, you will disagree, and the other person has failed in persuading you.

It’s not necessary to agree all the time, just in the name of “vibing.” In fact, it’s disingenuous and spineless.

You can still have a great vibe going, even if you disagree.

So let’s go over how to vibe when you agree, and how to vibe when you disagree.

If you agree with the person, it’s good to let them know that, and indicate that you think their opinion is interesting and insightful. You can keep the conversation going with stuff like “Tell me more” or “When did you first realize this?” or “What do you think of (related topic)?”

If you disagree with the other persons point, you have two options.

You can be non-judgemental on the whole thing. Don’t take a stand one way or the other. Just let the other person know you heard their point and you were listening.

This isn’t the High School debate team. It’s not necessary to impose your views on all people at all times. Sometimes there’s nothing to gain by doing so. It’s not even interesting. It’s just a hassle.

Your other option is to have a fun little debate about it. Keep it light hearted. Use it as an opportunity to tease each other. This make it less about the topic and more about the people.

Here’s an example.

GIRL: “I’m a vegetarian, and I think anyone who eats meat is raping our planet and is a horrible person.”

YOU: “Wow, that’s pretty extreme. Are you a tree hugger too? How many trees have you saved this year? What’s your favorite extinct rainforest animal?”

This kind of teasing is fun for everyone, and avoids a situation which could become adversarial. Being enemies is not a good vibe. So if you’re trying to vibe with people, don’t argue with them on every point. Either let it go or have fun with it.

At the end of the day, no one is really going to remember what was said or who thought what. People just want to spend time around other who make them feel good AKA people who have a good vibe.

Follow these simple rules and you can bring a good vibe to everyone you meet.

Check out more tips for vibing with women in my e-book, Planning the Perfect Date:

Until next time,
Brad P.