I was talking with some guys yesterday and one of them told me he had a fear of approaching because he feels there's a possibility of what he calls “public humiliation.” I wanted to investigate whether this had actually happened to him ever, and whether or not it happens to people in general. Was it something real, or was it a fear based on something imaginary?
We ended up going around the room and no one had a story to tell about a time when they had been publicly humiliated during an approach. It was a room of 5 students and me, and they had all done 1000+ approaches.
I felt there was more to discover, that fear couldn't just come out of nowhere. So I asked if anyone had been publicly humiliated at any time, not just during an approach. The only ones who had stories were me, and that original student who brought up the topic (we'll call him Bob).
For me, I humiliated myself a few years back when I was just learning pickup. It wasn't during opening, it was during midgame. Some girls I was gaming started talking to another guy, and he was riding a scooter. I said “Hey are you guys gonna be hanging with scooter guy for a while? How's it going, scooter guy?” Then I looked down and he was paraplegic. Without even realizing it, I had just completely made an idiot of myself by making fun of someone's disability. I walked away and felt completely humiliated. It wasn't really something someone else had done to me, it was something I had done to myself.
I decided to forgive myself and talk to some more girls. Five minutes later, I felt fine again. I haven't felt publicly humiliated since then.
Bob had a story where his parents were abusive towards him, and they used the thread of public humiliation to get him to behave himself. They'd tell him, “We're going to take you to the main square in town and tell everyone what you've done.” He grew up with a fear of public humiliation, and still has it today, even though his parents now live thousands of miles away.
Interesting thing here is that it never actually happened, it was just something his parents threatened him with.
I think everyone shares this fear of public humiliation to some extent. It's certainly not a pleasant sensation. I'm not sure if many people actually question what it is they're scared of.
I think we should be asking ourselves questions when we fear something.
Is this something that has ever happened to me?
Has this happened to anyone I know?
If it really did happen, what would be the real-life consequences?
How long would the consequences last?
Would I make a full recovery and move on?
Is it possible this event could make me a better person?
In my case, the consequences weren't serious at all, and I had recovered fully in about 5 minutes. I'm not sure if this the case with everyone, but I'm curious to find out.
When I was new at pickup, I used to think about the consequences of what I was doing, and I want to tell you what my thought process was in case you want to adopt it yourself.
Now remember, I was extremely naive when I was learning. I didn't study with a teacher and didn't read any books on the topic. It was just an experiment to me. I just wanted to see what would happen. Someone told me that you can just go chase girls every single day and you would eventually get good at it, so I decided to give it a try.
When I began, I figured it would probably take me about 18 months to start getting phone numbers, but once I got some phone numbers, I would be able to get laid any time I want. At the time, I was dumb enough to believe that every girl who gives you her number is basically agreeing to have sex with you. What did I know?
I got rejected almost every time in the beginning. I decided that if I had to go through 18 months of non-stop rejection before reaching the promise land of phone numbers, I'd be willing to do that.
Rejection was a price I was willing to pay, and I paid it every single day.
Like anyone who is new at this, I thought about other consequences as well.
What if I get in a fight? What if I stab someone? What if I end up having to do jail time or get sued for some reason?
I know these ideas may seem silly, but remember, I was very naïve. I had no idea what I w as getting myself into.
I wanted to get good with women so badly! I cannot begin to tell you how badly I wanted it. I was willing to accept almost any consequence.
So I said to myself, “Well, if something crazy goes down and I stab someone, I guess I can live with that. I'll just accept the consequences in advance.”
This attitude of accepting consequences in advance was very productive for me. It turned out that nothing like that ever happened. Nothing even close to what I had dreamed up ended up happening.
The end result of accepting consequences in advance was that I developed balls of steel fairly quickly.
Another mentality that helped me get good really fast was “Diving into the Deep End.”
If there was something that was especially scary for me, I'd attack that head on over and over until I got comfortable with it. One of my guys yesterday said his nemesis was sarging indoors during the day in shops and malls.
For me, it w as talking to women on the subway in NYC. I started doing that all the time. I knew it was possible because I had seen people do it, but it scared the crap out of me, so I had to try it.
For the first 9 or 10 approaches, I talked really low and the girl couldn't even hear me....so....blowouts!
I eventually got good to the point where I actually got laid with a girl I met on the subway.
Here's what I learned during that time.
If your conversation seems fun, sometimes people around you join in and it has a really good vibe. Other times, when the train is completely quiet, the people around you start to look very uncomfortable. As for the girls you're hitting on, they rarely get uncomfortable. This was shocking to me. Even if I'm talking to a girl and the old man next to her looks freaked out about being nearby, the girl doesn't really notice or care. I guess women just get hit on so much, that they consider it very normal. It the guys approaching who get nervous about it. The onlookers sometimes get uncomfortable, sometimes not.
For me, it was more about the onlookers than the girl and what she thought of me. I had already been rejected by enough girls that I didn't mind another rejection, but if the people around got uncomfortable or thought I was weird, it would completely freak me out. I had nice guy syndrome at the time, and I felt responsible for the emotions of everyone around me. I did not want to cause other people to feel negative emotions. It would totally freak me out. That's why the train was hard for me and I had to tackle it right away.
There's 2 school of thought on this. Some people try to go in baby steps, slowly desensitizing themselves to fear and social situations. I was too impatient for this, and I tried to just “jump into the deep end.”
I think for most people learning, the baby steps are probably better. But maybe a few people reading this might like to try the “deep end approach.”
